Diabolical Halloween Limericks

Happy Halloween Ghouls! As it’s Halloween I made up some Diabolical Halloween Limericks on my way to work today. Be warned – they ain’t for the young or easily offended!

There once was a young handsome sprite
Whose hauntings did cause such a fright
To the women he laired
As he ‘had’ them upstairs
And they screamed and they yelled with delight!

~

There was an old man from Frome
Who would never leave his home
When his house caught afire
It was his own funeral pyre
And now as a ghost he does roam

~

Once upon a time lived a rat
Who thought she could fly like a bat
She jumped off a cliff
But fell like a brick
And now she’s just blood, piss and shit

30th April – NaPoWriMo

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An Ode to National Poetry Writing Month

So my thirty days of poetry is up
Never before have I been so prolific and writing this stuff
I used to think poetry was a pile of shite
Something for nobbers who value modern art and all that tripe

In the past month I’ve brought you so much crap
So I’ll take a bow and give a tip of my hat
Cus’ there’s something I’ve realised during this month
There’s so many poets I’m just the billy-onth

And so many people are better than me
They don’t just write rubbish but at least I’m gutsy
I’ve told it how I see it, not more I can do
Now this is cliche goodbye, yep from me to you

So my thirty days of poetry is up
Never again will I be so prolific and writing this stuff
‘Cus I still think that poetry is pretty shite
I’ll leave it for the nobbers who value modern art and all that tripe

18th April – NaPoWriMo

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Honey with Marmite

Ever had one of those kiddy combinations
Like Honey and Marmite on toast?
Sunday greens with jelly beans
It’s a new take on the roast

I’ve never understood peanut butter and jello
It’s one of those American things
Like cornflakes in a lasagne
Or chocolate onion rings

But peanut butter and cheese on toast
Is definitely the combination I like the most
Not strawberry jam with chicken wings
Or butternut squash and cheese strings

Those funny, weird and strange concoctions
Flabbergast me with their options
So since turning thirty-one
There’s no more kiddy combinations, yes, I’m done

The Mutts Nuts ~ or ~ a beastly observation revisited

Last year I wrote a small piece about a guy who used to pass me every day walking a dog with humongous bollocks (read it here). One day I was shocked to notice that the proud pooch was missing a vital part of his manhood and looked miserable with it. I went on to suggest creating a line of fake balls for dogs who face the snip and since then I’m pleased to say I’ve done absolutely nothing about manifesting this cash cow into a viable business plan.
Continue reading “The Mutts Nuts ~ or ~ a beastly observation revisited”

Sixty Second Sermon: Charity, Corner Shops and Low Carb Energy Drinks

I was in a newsagent earlier today buying an overpriced can of Monster Energy drink for the recession busting sum of £1.99, I know it’s pricey but it’s the only place for miles that sells the Low-Carb version and I needed my energy hit for the day. Handing over a £2 coin I asked the shop attendant to stick the 1p change in the charity box when a spritely old boy behind me pipes up “look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves, you don’t want to be giving them away son”. Continue reading “Sixty Second Sermon: Charity, Corner Shops and Low Carb Energy Drinks”