As the mercury soars into the 30’s (that’s about 90੦F for the rest of the world) the good folk of the UK divide into chilled out sun worshipers and hot-heated anarchists. It’s a sorry state but the rest of the world laughs at the ‘Britishness’ of moaning about the weather; “you call that hot” someone from Las Vegas asked me the other night “that’s not even getting started”. Nevertheless we have the perfect excuse “it’s a different kind of heat”.
It’s of course the complete opposite when winter comes and we get ‘the cold snap’. People panic because there’s a little bit of snow outside. That’s it, close the airports, shut the schools and call in work because you’ve been ‘snowed in’. My friends in Finland laugh at us. Of course we have the perfect excuse here too “it’s the wrong type of snow”. Seriously what the f**k does that mean?
Now I do have to admit that yes, Las Vegas is indeed a very different type of heat than what we get here in merry England. It’s dry, like a clay oven whereas we get that hot, sticky heat because of the amount of humidity in the air. The UK heat is a similar heat to what you get on the Spanish islands, that so many of us flock to each summer, yet that doesn’t seem to matter. The “wrong kind of snow” argument I can’t be doing with though, during the last ‘cold snap’ I rode a 650cc motorcycle with no special snow tyres over 100 miles through a mixture of light and heavy snowfall and made it home safely. Two wheels compared to four and I didn’t die now you’re telling me you can’t get your 4×4 Chelsea tractor 3 miles down the road? Bah!
While I am without a doubt more short-fused in this sweltering rainforest weather we’re currently experiencing in the UK, I do on the whole welcome it. My tan is certainly coming along fine, even if I am now suffering from prickly heat caused, I’m told by a dermatologist, by sun lotion containing ‘Aqua’ (ain’t that just water)? My vitamin D levels are through the roof. I’m happy. I’m even losing weight on account of not wanting to eat that much and I’m replenishing my lost fluids with tasty alcoholic beverages. Life is good when the sun shines so stop moaning motherf**kers!