The Mutts Nuts ~ or ~ a beastly observation revisited

Last year I wrote a small piece about a guy who used to pass me every day walking a dog with humongous bollocks (read it here). One day I was shocked to notice that the proud pooch was missing a vital part of his manhood and looked miserable with it. I went on to suggest creating a line of fake balls for dogs who face the snip and since then I’m pleased to say I’ve done absolutely nothing about manifesting this cash cow into a viable business plan.

I did at one point consider contacting existing silicone tit companies but that thought only persisted between the time it took me to drink a cup of tea while staring out the window at work. I mean, why should they take all the credit for my fantastic idea? Christmas came and plastic doggy codpieces were the last thing on my mind and then came the news about these silicon titty implants that had some chemical in them that caused the patient to sprout peroxide blonde hair and huge Pete Burns lips, or something like that. Could my plans survive such negative publicity?

Of course the focus quickly shifted from the actual company that produced these wobbly tit bits to the trolls that actually had the implants. These Muppets now want the NHS to pay for the operation to remove the dodgy implants that turn the patient into Katie Price clones and extras from ‘The Only Way is Essex’. Well of course the NHS should pay, I mean anyone that self-centred and materialistic cannot take responsibility for her own actions. Not only that but why should the company that provided these septic synthetics be forced to pick up the tab, I mean they were only in it for a quick buck.

Before I go on I want to state for the record that I do not have a problem with fake bits and bobs. I have friends who have had their bits and pieces played about with in order to spruce up their self-esteem, there is nothing wrong with that at all. What I do object very strongly to is these cretins that sod off abroad and boost a foreign countries economy by using a dodgy company to get some Pamela tits and then expect the UK to foot the bill when it goes wrong. How about going and having a word with Monsieur Sarkozy to see if he’ll put his hand in his pocket first hey?

Anyway none of this gets me any further along with my ‘get filthy rich’ plan to manufacture plastic pooch plums. So where can I start? Well as I have no idea on what materials will be passed with a British kite mark maybe I’ll take a leaf out of the Poly Implant Prothese book and just use whatever I can get my hands on. For small pups a couple of marbles might work and for owners who want a macho mutt maybe a couple of tennis balls will be a good choice. I could even throw in a special line for family dogs and use a couple of Kinder Eggs, what a surprise that would be.

For now my fiendishly dark plan remains in cloud cuckoo land. But if anyone beats me to it I’ve already registered the world wide trade mark “The Mutts Nuts” and have a patent pending for my vague idea, just in case like.


The Mutts Nuts aka The Pooches Plums aka The Dogs Bollocks – Can you think of any other names for the Pups Privates?

4 thoughts on “The Mutts Nuts ~ or ~ a beastly observation revisited

  1. the mutt’s nuts – the dog’s danglies – the dingoes doodahs – interesting derivation… the dog’s bollocks… where’s it come from? back in the 20s Meccano had two sets of kit: ‘box standard’ and ‘box deluxe’ – box standard became ‘bog standard’ and box deluxe became ‘dog’s bollocks’
    great post
    how come i follow you, but you don’t follow me?


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