Right now I’m probably at my office Christmas party. I can’t say for sure because I did that nifty thing of scheduling this post so this was written in preparation of tonight but I am most probably there right now as you read this. Now we all know that office parties can turn even the most reserved shrinking violet into a gregarious harlot so if you wanna escape with your dignity here’s how to survive the office Christmas party.
Bring cash. Even if it’s supposed to be a freebie night out, make sure you have at least enough cash to buy a small round of drinks and a taxi home. Make sure you keep your taxi cash separate from your drinking cash or you might need to make a trip to the cash machine – or skank the taxi driver (make sure you’re not too drunk if you do this mind, a friend and I once did this when we were about 19 and my mate was so drunk he ran straight into a lamppost and knocked himself out).
Dress accordingly. Unless your company is good enough to fly everyone to the Bahamas to have a Christmas beach party then Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts probably won’t cut it. If in doubt, opt for a smart retro suit with a fitted white shirt and thin black tie and smart shoes. This combo is fairly easy to turn into a casual look and if you keep some black Ray Bans in your pocket and it turns out to be fancy dress just tell everyone that you’re one of the Blues Brothers/Reservoir Dogs. Girl’s I hear the little black dress is a good starting point. Failing that consult your girlfriends because I’m sorry but I’m no Gok Wan. To avoid embarrassment make sure you check the dress code with at least 3 independent sources because someone could be having a laugh.
Don’t talk shop. This could be difficult because there’s a good chance that despite work, you have very little in common with your work colleagues. However you must try to make small talk, otherwise you’ll spend the entire night moaning about work practices and your boss. Not the way I wanna spend a night out.
Get tipsy. But for the love of god don’t get drunk. Bad things happen when you lose control and losing it around work colleagues is when all sorts of trouble starts. Slipped words, fights, flings, dancing on tables, you name it and it’s happened at an office party somewhere. Getting drunk is something you do with mates; co-workers are not friends and should be kept at arm’s length.
Watch your f-ing language. If like me you’re one who often lets little profanities slip past your tongue then you’ll know that your potty mouth is even harder to control once you’ve had a few. Swearing isn’t big and some say that it ain’t too clever either and nobody likes to hear “f-ing’ this” and “c-ing that” all night. Refer to Rule #4 – get tipsy not drunk.
Stay away from the office slut. You may want to but she’s already been there with everyone else too. If you’re single then it’ll ruin you ruin your chances of any further office romance, if you’re not then she’ll have something to blackmail you with. Of course this could be flipped on its head, after all guys can be sluts too. To make sure you stay in control refer to Rule #4.
Don’t be a suck ass. It’s perfectly fine to thank your boss for a good nights entertainment but don’t spend the night laughing at his/her unfunny jokes and snivelling like a little weasel. Nobody likes an arse licker. NOBODY.
Don’t be a comedian, unless you are a comedian or have the brilliant knack of pulling off a decent joke. Some people are naturally funny and have charm and charisma; most of us don’t even though many people think they do. Don’t tell jokes unless you can pull them off without ballsing up the punch line. If like me you only think of funny things after the event resist the urge to push the matter. If the conversation has moved on, bank it for another time.
Don’t dribble your dinner. Don’t talk with your mouth full. Don’t spit after every sentence. Manners, manners, manners all the way.
Don’t get involved in party games unless you really have to. You will end up looking silly.
But don’t be a miserable bastard. If you must moan all evening, lace everyone else’s drink with ecstasy so they don’t notice.
But don’t do drugs. At least don’t get caught doing drugs. Stay away from anything that will make you fall asleep, act too hyper or have conversations with talking daffodils. Doing a line of cocaine in the toilets might help the evening pass easier but if you get caught then it isn’t going to do your career much good. Refer to Rule #4.
Take up smoking. Since the smoking ban the outside the venue space is where everyone goes to escape the nutters dancing around their handbags inside. However be wary of the fruitloops who spend the whole night outside. They are probably psycho killers.
Control your bladder... and your bowels! And try not to be sick until you get home. Your bodily functions could be the talk of the office for weeks to come if you cannot stay in control of them tonight. Refer to Rule #4.
Finally forget those sucky guides that tell you how to use the office party to your advantage. All sane people hate office parties, they are things that the brown-nosed weasels use to try and climb the ladder. You may be looking forward to the office party at the moment but you know that when you get there something will happen that will either derail your career or end up in ridicule. Some things are inevitable; someone will get in a fight, someone will be sick, someone will dance on a table, someone will have sex in the toilets and someone will do all of the above. Just follow my guide and make sure it’s not you. If in doubt refer to Rule #4.
Have you got any further suggestions to aid the needy and help them through their office parties?