I have found a cure for the common cold! Seriously last Friday I was close to keeling over and calling it a day, I’d only had ‘Man Flu’ for a day but it was killing me. By the time I got home that evening my head felt like it was five times it’s normal size, my nose felt like I’d been snorting cotton wool and my throat felt like I’d swallowed a nest of fire ants (cue screeching violins from an infant school concert). I’ve been in this place many times before but this time I was determined to beat it.
One way I knew would not work, because I’d tried it so many times before, was to dose up on medicine, drink plenty of water and sit around feeling sorry for myself. Yes I am normally that bad, I hate getting a cold. My wife will confess that when it comes to being ill I am just as bad as the other bloke plus one. I am a very poor patient.
Another way I know doesn’t work is all this ‘herbal remedy’ rubbish. Now I’m all for herbal stuff, I like the idea of natural medicine and all that but when it comes to fighting off a legion of snot germs they are all pretty damn useless or “as useful as a chocolate tea-cup” to quote my dear old Nan.
I have tried pretty much everything. Sticking my head over steaming water containing something that smells like old socks, firing aerosols up my nose that make me taste toothpaste for hours and eating so many oranges and lemons that my sweat actually turns to acid, I’ve tried them all. But instead of listening to old wives tales, hippy nonsense and that bloke with a white coat, stethoscope and over ten years of University level education I decided that I knew best. I forgot everything I had learned about messing with biology and mixing the wrong chemicals and threw caution to the wind. Trust me what follows is not to be repeated by the fainthearted or those with any kind of medical condition.
The first thing I did when I got home on Friday was to mix up a Beecham’s Cold & Flu powder (any generic brand is probably just as good) and knock it all back in one. So far, so sensible but next I decided that for dinner I fancied a beef chilli and jacket potato. Comfort food is of course a must when one has a cold. Now this couldn’t be any chilli, this chilli had to not only clear my sinuses but also knock my head off and turn my throat into a furnace. A bottle of ultra hot sauce and a few chopped up jalapeños did the trick nicely.
After sweating a couple of litres from eating my hot, hot dinner I felt that some more Beecham’s were in order. Trouble was now the spicy taste that was lingering in my mouth was mixed with a grainy lemony twang. “I need something to wash this down” I thought. In the corner of my eye I spied an unopened bottle of Scotch; Glenlivet single malt, aged 12 years. Lovely.
Now I like whisky, a lot but there was something about this particular whisky that made me wetter than one of those ‘Bang Babes’ on heat. It was something else. So much so that I woke up the next morning, clutching the almost empty bottle of scotch and no less than 3 empty sachets of Beecham’s Cold & Flu powder on the coffee table.
Under normal circumstances I would have opened my eyes and been instantly greeting by a banging headache but no, I felt fine. In fact I felt pretty damn good. My nose was clear, my head felt fine and my throat, while a little dry, no longer felt like I’d been in termite-snorting contest with an aardvark. I was cured!
So there you have it folks! I wouldn’t recommend anyone else try this as I have absolutely no medical qualifications and I don’t want your family to sue me if you end up kicking up the daisies. In fact disregard everything you have just read because there’s no way I want to end up liable for a bunch of idiots who’d follow me off a cliff. Stick with your medicine and herbal remedies, they may not pack the punch of Dazzle’s cure-all-ills medicinal compound but at least I won’t end up in litigation.