Ask Dazzle Rebel: September 2011

You may remember back at the start of the month I introduced a new page called “Ask Dazzle Rebel” where I challenged you to ask me anything.  Well some of you actually did!  Here they are;


Location: Germany

Q: How long is too long for a man to respond to an email or SMS from a woman he is dating? Is two days too long to get back to an email? Is 18 hours too long to respond to an SMS? I feel that the guy I’m dating is very lax about communication, and I want to know if I should kick him to the curb.

DR says: UltraDeb, the answer to this is really in your hands.  If you think 18 hours is too long to respond to an SMS then it is too long to respond to an SMS.  You should have words with the man and tell him “Oi! You! Man!  Eighteen hours is too long to respond to an SMS innit!”  If he agrees then you have set a benchmark in the relationship, if however he disagrees then you need to discuss the matter and mutually come up with an average response time that is acceptable.  If a response time cannot be successfully negotiated or one side is not prepared to haggle then it is time to call the whole thing off.

Of course that answer is far too long so what I’d actually say is:

Unless he turns up dead then 18 hours is too long. Kick him to the curb.


Location:  Leicester

Q: Which way is up and can up sometimes be down?

DR says: Up is always up except for when up is down.  Down can never be up except for when up is down.  Up is up and down is down except for when up is down and down is up.


Location: In your bum

Q: Do I have AIDS?

DR says: I don’t know so I would ask your doctor – but you probably do. I’d say if you’re thick enough to ask me if you have AIDS instead of seeing a doctor then you’re probably stupid enough to do heroine with dirty needles so yes, you probably do have AIDS.  However if you do indeed live “in my bum” then you very much doubt you do have AIDS, at least I really hope you don’t but remember this; the next time I take a crap you’ll be getting an eviction notice you dirty turd.


Location: Nottingham

Q: When did you start learning to play an instrument?

DR says: I started learning to play the blue vein flute shortly before my 11th birthday and have become somewhat of an expert at it over the past 18 years.  I picked up the guitar when I was about 13 and the bass when I was 19.  Despite much practicing to the contrary I am still a lot better at playing the blue vein flute than I am any other instrument.


Location: Texas

Q: When will the world end?

DR says:  Depending on which seer, prophet, oracle, fortune-teller, conspiracy theorist or mad homeless guy you speak to the world should have come to an end several times in the past hundred years alone.  The latest theory is of course that the London Olympics will be the last ever held as mere months after the closing ceremony life on earth will end sometime in December 2012.  The truth however is there’s as much chance of the world ending tomorrow as there is of it ending at any other time – we just don’t know.  We could be hit by a rogue asteroid, global plague, gamma ray burst, super-volcano or even a complete breakdown in the space-time continuum.  All of which are plausible given enough time (if you really wanna blow your mind look up Boltzmann brains).

One thing that is (almost) certain is that in about four and a half billion years time (that’s 4,500,000,000 years) the sun will begin to run out of the gasses that fuel it and will start to swell.  It may swell so much that it will engulf the innermost planets, Earth included before collapsing into a white dwarf – a star that gives off too little light to support any life on the (now incinerated) Earth.  Don’t panic 4.5 billion years is a very long time – it’s even longer than an entire series of Big Brother.  The earliest known human ancestor is only about 200 thousand (200,000 years) old so you’ve got plenty of time for Rock’n’Rollin’ in Texas.

That’s all folks, more next month…

…so don’t forget to send me your questions!